Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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