if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
