Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
