did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
