guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
