I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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