I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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