you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
