last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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