From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
