He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
