promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
