I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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