she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
