I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
