the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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