she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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