Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(424): View more from California

you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain

Fav 3 1209 2011
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(703): View more from Virginia

Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello

Fav 3 1186 719
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(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

Fav 16 1780 2225
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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

Fav 168 6295 7203
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(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

Fav 37 7325 1465
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(480): View more from Arizona

There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.

Fav 4 992 3150
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(204): View more from Manitoba

they're like a gay fantastic four

Fav 15 2768 1342
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(940): View more from Texas

Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?

Fav 6 1348 715
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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?

Fav 0 19 28
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