Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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