I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is the high leading the old right now
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
