Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
