if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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