I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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