if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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