I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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