Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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