Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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