You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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