I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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