Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
