Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
