I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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