at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
