Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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