"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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