now i know why i became what i already was.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
