Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
