I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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