I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
