she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
