thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize