New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she told me i tasted like america
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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