is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize