I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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