Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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