I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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