Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
