theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
