I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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