I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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