my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
No more Irish car bombs ever.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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