Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
