Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Are my feet made of real feet?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
