you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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