My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
