Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
