I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
