Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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