My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She's the barista slut.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
