i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
