WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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