So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
