Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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