by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
